Unpopular opinion time, but bear with me for a sec

your story and where it belongs

It’s easy to feel, in the earliest moments of helping someone with breastfeeding, that we are building a relationship that requires us to share something of our own. It’s easy to feel passionate about sharing what happened to us so that “they” can a)experience the exact same bliss or b)avoid the thing all costs.

See how that sounds when you lay it out? It’s tricky. They can’t experience the exact same thing as you because that’s impossible - you’re two different people. And they can’t avoid whatever it was either because neither one of you can 100% guarantee that.

What people are really looking for in that moment is a reason to trust what you say. If all you do is tell your own story (in a well-meaning effort to connect), it can feel like you’re not listening to them - you’re just talking about yourself.

It isn’t about you. The first moments of helping are not ever about you. So how can you show them you are trustworthy and willing/able to help? Active listening.

Active listening is a skill that enables you to practice better. It’s simple: you’re listening, you’re communicating back and clarifying what you are hearing, and you are keeping the focus on them.

Here’s what to avoid in consults: telling the client a story (about you, about another client, etc.) that lacks context, is upsetting, and/or creates information overload. No matter what value you believe it will lend to the situation, it’s just not the time.

Here’s how this shows up: if you say “oh, I know, my baby had such a hard time latching, too” - you may think this is helpful and makes them feel better. But it is also possible that without proper context, that one statement can make them feel worse, experience confusion, or become annoyed or disappointed that you are not focused on their needs.

At some point later in the relationship you build with the client, it may become appropriate to share your story. But let’s pause here to talk about why even then it may not work.

Everything we say matters when we are communicating during this period of time. It’s also critical to remember that you are not a better or a lesser IBCLC/nurse/physician/WIC nutritionist/etc. because of any ONE piece of your own birth and lactation journeys. Your WHOLE, combined life experience in your own body and mind, your whole history of learning & education, and your counseling skills join together to make you the provider you are.

This is why for some people who work in the birth and lactation fields, sharing their personal journeys feel a bit “off.” It never quite comes out right or feels ok when they say it. Though it’s common for people to tell bits and pieces of their own stories, especially when explaining why they do this work, it does not always feel whole, and it can leave one feeling like they shouldn’t have tried to talk about it.

I’m here to tell you today that you don’t EVER owe ANYONE your story. If it never becomes comfortable for you to talk about it, don’t. If it feels raw, if it makes you cry (or even come close), if it never seems to come out right, feel free to put it in your pocket when you enter that consult room. It’s actually not anyone’s business how your pregnancy was, what birth felt like or how it proceeded, or how you chose to feed your baby. Those things don’t make you a good whatever. Those things might contribute to you being a good whatever, but each one of those things is not the whole reason that you are YOU.

Your story CAN become a useful tool for supporting others, but it takes some work to make sure you’ve put it all together with intention. I’ve got a workshop coming up that helps you do that. You can read more about it here.

As a lactation career coach, I talk to a lot of people who are struggling with this without even realizing it. If this resonates with you, I’d love to see you in the workshop or feel free to book a Coaching Call with me here.

As always, thanks for reading, sharing, and sticking with me! - Christine